I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
