i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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