She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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