My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dick very happy bro
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
