There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
