Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
