i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
