someone threw a dead crab at me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
