I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
