I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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