Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
