I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
