i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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