I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
