Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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