god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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