i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
