ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
