On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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