im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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