omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
