Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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