I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
