I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
