I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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