Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
