if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
