You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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