4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
