yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
