susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
