How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
