i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
