Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
