I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
