i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
