My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my shit smells like andre
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
