party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
