I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
