It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
