I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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