sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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