It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
