We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
