Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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