I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
