Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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