Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
