people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
