Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
