Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i barfeds in our rink
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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